AGH! Where the hell is spring?? Winter brings so much yuck. No vitamin D for our souls and warm air to breathe into our lungs. Hey, I get what winter is about. A time for rest and hibernation of sorts. But I’m ready to get out of here and skip on over to spring. My winter has been crap and I’m ready to see the flowers bloom and hear the birds sing. I need to put my flip-flops on, put down my car window and turn my music up loud!
I’m ready to embrace a new attitude…
I hate death. I hate losing someone I love. I hate seeing how the loss affects the rest of us left here to go on without them. We’re coming up on another FIRST of a long list of ‘firsts’ in 2013. Today is Brenda’s birthday, March 21st. She would be 64…just writing that in past tense makes my heart hurt. My whole family has been “off” the past few weeks ~ like we’re all in our own individual fog clouds. Doug is designing our mudroom so if he’s not working in his home office, he’s in the garage, his Hobbit hole, playing with new wood-cutting tools. I have taken over as the crazy Banchee, arms in the air; head going around and around screaming at the little people who have decided to follow their OWN rules and reenact scenes from Lord of the Flies. Last night I even threatened to pack up and hit the road…what did Hannah say? That’s fine…pack up. Dad is nicer anyway…WELL OF COURSE DAD IS NICER BECAUSE HE’S IN THE GARAGE SO HE’S NOT AROUND TO YELL AT YOU TO GET IN THE SHOWER FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!
So I don’t know if the Smith family is off kilter just because we’re off kilter OR if there’s an underlying “thing” we’re all feeling. I can only speak for myself…who am I kidding? Of course I’ll speak for the rest of the household too.
I so have a theory; I think THIS THING is heavy hearts weighed down by grief and maybe even anxiety…sad that Brenda’s not here with us every day. Sad we cannot pick up the phone to call her. Disgustingly sad that we will be celebrating HER birthday WITHOUT HER HERE…it sucks. BIG TIME. BIGGER than BIG TIME…
I think the whole anxiety thing is just me. Waiting for my phone to ring, picking it up and hearing Hannah’s nurse on the other end saying, “IT’S TIME!!! Hannah’s protocol is READY!!!!” I’m not sure if I’ll jump for joy and pop open a bottle of bubbly OR run upstairs to my bedroom and remain in fetal position for the rest of the day. Next to hating death…I hate waiting…
The flip side to all this emotional muck is we’re going to NY to celebrate Brenda’s birthday as well as Doug completing his master’s program at George Mason. That was her present to him, a trip to NY. We finalized it just a couple of days before she died. Then a few days after she died, Lamoine said, “Well, she’d still want to us to go to NY so let’s plan to go”. He’s right…she would want us to go. I thought why not go for her birthday too…so we can all be together and laugh or cry or whatever. Doug and Lamoine’s birthdays are just around the corner too so let’s celebrate EVERYTHING! Let’s celebrate our families, our accomplishments, our love for Brenda. Let’s celebrate Brenda’s life and Hannah’s soon-to-be NEW life!!
Let’s forget about all the emotionally muckity-muck…I’ll forget that Doug’s been in his Hobbit hole for 3 weeks and 2 days (no, I’m not counting) and I’ll forget that my kids have been playing the lead roles in the Lord of the Flies at the Cobbler Drive Community Theater. I’ll even forget that my body&soul were taken over by a raging crazy Banchee.
BUT more importantly…I will also forgive (which in all honesty is a task that does not come easy to me). I will forgive Doug for not being able to communicate his sadness and not be able to participate 100% in our everyday lives right now. I will forgive Sophia and Hannah for charging around the house like crazy dirty kids with conchs&stakes demanding we live by their new rules.
Then…there’s the part about forgiving myself.
I will forgive myself for being scared and frightened that the loss we bear is too much…too much for us to handle. Too much for Doug to handle. I will forgive myself for being terrified his sorrow is so great that the only way I know how to snap him out of it is to yell and keep yelling. Just hoping he’ll hear me through the THICK emotional muckity-muck that he won’t admit to or talk about.
I also must ask for THEIR forgiveness.
Dear Doug, Sophia and Hannah ~ Please forgive me for loving you so big and so tight, that I might not always show it with pretty flowers and constant smiles. Forgive me for missing Brenda ~ your mother, your grandmommy, my 2nd mom ~ and not always just saying I’m feeling sad right now. Forgive me for feeling so much angst about our impending Hannah journey that sometimes I miss out on tiny moments of joy and laughter. I will try to do better by you guys. I will forever try…
I love you with all the love my heart can hold…and then some.
So on that note, we’re off to NY; to see the city of all things possible. Hopes, dreams, fears…you can see all of that everywhere and on everyone…no one holds back in NYC so why should we?? So here’s to celebrating all of that ~ Brenda’s wonderful life…Doug’s great accomplishment…Hannah’s fabulous journey and MY LOVE. The love I have for myself and my family…Hobbit holes, kids with conchs&stakes and beautiful Banchees…Cheers ~